Makeup sex has been described as the rainbow after the storm. We don’t look forward to fighting with our partners, but if there is one silver lining, it’s that after all the fighting, processing of feelings, and working things out, comes the best part: Kissing and making up.
According to Dr. Jessica O’Reilly, host of the @SexWithDrJess Podcast “Some psychologists believe that makeup sex rewards fighting, drama, and generally bad behaviour. They suggest that couples are dealing with intensely negative emotions and instead of finding a resolution, they seek an opposite experience: pleasure in sex. They argue that this type of sex isn’t ‘real intimacy’ and that it can lead to loneliness and the belief that everything can be fixed with sex. What a world it would be if this were true!”
“If the only way you resolve conflicts is through sex, I might buy into this theory. However, if you also address disagreements through communication, compromise and an action-plan for moving forward, I say go ahead and indulge in makeup sex if it tickles your fancy. After all, learning to fight effectively is a huge accomplishment. And the intense emotions and the sense of moving forward together can make post-fight sex hot and functional”.
Why do people get so turned on after a fight?
“For many couples, arguing is like foreplay with words,” says Emily Morse, host of podcast Sex With Emily and sex and intimacy expert for Skyn condoms. Foreplay primes a person’s body and mind for a sexual encounter, and “a squabble with our partner can leave us in a similar state of arousal.”
Dr. Megan Fleming, a couples therapist based in New York City, explains that because an argument presents the threat of a breakup to some degree, it triggers a fight-or-flight response in those involved. “It’s increased heart rate, respiration (aka breathing), blood flow, and adrenaline.”
“Whether it’s fear or it’s excitement, it’s still arousal,” she says.
When arguing makes you feel distant from your partner, sex can restore feelings of intimacy and closeness. Apparently, many people have adopted this useful advantage of sex: In studies, after being primed with feelings of emotional threat—such as being asked to imagine their partner falling in love with someone else—people tended to become more interested in sex with their partner.3
As with most findings, important exceptions accompany this research. For example, individual differences occur, and not everyone reacts to threat in the same way (i.e. not everyone feels lusty after a fight). In the context of actual conflict between romantic partners, research suggests that the effect is strongest—that people feel most affectionate and attracted to their partners—when the argument is successfully resolved. Further, while conflict often helps couples work through relationship issues, consistent feelings of threat and insecurity can damage a relationship over time.
Once you and your partner are both feeling that heightened physiological response to your clash, that anger can turn into sexual tension fast.
Hot sex is a tried-and-true way to reaffirm your dedication to each other, after a disagreement has shaken your faith in your pairing (however temporarily).
As Fleming puts it, it’s a physical way of expressing that you’re still there for each other. “You’re restoring some of the attachment, the closeness, the safety and security that we all seek in a relationship. It’s to help bring whatever you were fighting about into perspective—the priority is your union.”
Even if the makeup sex doesn’t result in orgasms for you both, she points out that the intimacy of feeling each other’s touch causes the brain to release dopamine and oxytocin, or “the cuddle hormone.”