By Francis Ewherido
I have attended about five weddings in the last few weeks. In each of these weddings and the previous ones I attended, there are certain highlights I always look forward to.
The first is the exchange of marital vows. That is when the lovebirds use sweet pet names and look lovingly into each other’s eyes. It is all so sweet, even if it looks like it was rehearsed. The second is the cutting of the cake and feeding of each other with a piece of the cake.
So much love in the air, or so it seems. Finally, you have the nuptial dance, where they show their dancing skills laced with love. Where they have no good dancing skills, which is rare these days, they simply dance, but you can see the love in their eyes.
Seeing so much love at weddings, you begin to wonder why there is divorce or separation, in the first place, not to talk of the fact that incidents of divorce/separation are even on the rise. What goes wrong along the line? Where does all the love on the wedding day go to? But such thoughts are for the uninitiated.
The initiated knows, at least a bit of it. Sometimes, things start going wrong right there at the wedding reception (I do not even want to go to exceptional cases of about-to-wed, who chicken out at the last minute).
During the reception, one of the couple realizes that his/her people are being discriminated against in the serving of food, drinks or sharing of gift items. He/she gets angry and draws the attention of the spouse to it. If he/she does not get a good response or the situation is not well handled, marital squabbles have started.
If poorly managed, they will continue squabbling when they get home instead of consummating their marriage (the first post marriage sexual intercourse which puts a seal of validity on the marriage. Without it, the marriage is not valid).
Both of them have conveniently forgotten that they took marital vows earlier that they are no longer two, but one. Moreover, both of them are now a new family, the real priority. Siblings, parents and relatives become what the white man calls extended family. So, how can extended family take precedence over immediate family? Mark you, I am not by any means saying you should disrespect or allow your parents, siblings and relatives to be disrespected. In fact respect for the families you came from is very key to the success of your marriage. What I am saying is that such an issue can easily be resolved amicably and need not strain an hours-old marriage.
Still on conflicts resulting from extended family members that can bedevil a young marriage, I got this from a friend, Emeka Oparah’s Facebook Page. According to him, a couple just had their first baby, but rivalry between the two grandmothers, who came to help out the young mother with the new born, was making an otherwise joyful event nightmarish for the man of the house. He, therefore, asked for Emeka’s advice.
Emeka told the young man that it is the mother-in-law’s responsibility to take care of the newborn baby, according to Igbo tradition. In any case, it is easier and better to “diplomatically” talk your mother into leaving. But if you are not firm about that, both women, who probably have had long term marriages, will truncate yours in its infancy.
Another issue turning young couple’s marriages into nightmare is pregnancy. Some young wives simply do not know how to handle difficult pregnancies, especially at the early stages. They are easily irritated and treat their husbands as if it is a crime getting them pregnant. Some of the young men too do not know how to manage such volatile wives. The situation worsens when they are denied the opportunity to have the sex they thought marriage has given them the license to indulge in. Some feel rejected and take refuge in the arms and bosom of other women.
But since there are very few things hidden under the sun, you can easily get caught and that puts your young marriage in jeopardy. While the man might claim he took the action because he felt rejected, the wife feels betrayed and scorned and you know what? “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.” No be me talk am. Even if she forgives you, it will take a while to win back the trust.
The woman might also be wary of another pregnancy, not knowing how it will pan out. Young men should love, show understanding and empathise with their wives during difficult pregnancies. Some of them can be very nasty and unreasonable, but bear with them; it is only nine months. My friend’s wife used to send him to a particular woman about a mile away every night around 11pm to buy moi moi. The time and place of purchase were invariable. My friend was pissed off, but grumbled in silence.
Finally for today, child birth and resumption of conjugal activities are other areas which turn young happy marriages into nightmares. Many young wives do not manage the situation well. Once a baby, especially the first child, arrives all attention shifts to the baby; the husband is completely forgotten. Some young husbands feel lonely and left out. Some begin to wonder if they actually participated in bringing the child to life. Some wives too switch off sex after child birth. Some who had a cut during child birth or gave birth through caesarian continue to mentally relive the pains and withdraw into themselves. They deny their poor husbands their conjugal rights. You better get professional help because denying a young man with hot blood running through his veins sex is not a good idea. That your sweet marriage can easily get soured if not properly preserved.