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By Francis Ewherido
There is an ongoing debate on whether or not children should be flogged as part of parenting. The debate is necessitated by some recent developments. There was the 12-year-old girl in Enugu, whose back was lacerated by the parents with cane and possibly other objects. There was also the video of an 18-year-old girl, who was flogged by the father for disobedience.
Cane was freely used in homes and schools in those days. It was meant to correct and discipline the children, or so the parents and school authorities felt. Sometimes, it turned out to be sheer cruelty, especially in schools. These days, there seems to be less use of cane in homes and schools, especially private schools where the use of cane has been banned in some schools. Those for use of cane usually quote the bible, “Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him” (Proverbs 19:24). But more frequently, they quote a phrase from the poem by Samuel Butler, “spare the rod and spoil the child.” Those against it say, it is cruel, barbaric and outdated.
My understanding of both quotes above is that children should be disciplined, they should be corrected and whipped into when they stray, not necessarily with a cane. Parents have a responsibility to discipline their children and put them on the right path because as Proverbs 22:5 says, “A child is going to do foolish things. But correcting him will drive his foolishness far away from him.” There is no way around it. Children must be whipped into line, especially in the first 10 years of their lives. That is when they are most amenable to change. Those parents, who failed in their responsibility at this stage of their children’s lives, are paying dearly for it. A mother was flogging the daughter for spending the night in her boyfriend’s house. The girl seized the cane and started flogging the mother. They brawled until they were separated.
There are many ways to enforce discipline and each parent must come with what works for them. True, children have a way of comporting themselves at the sight of a cane, but it must be used with wisdom. In the video, where the father flogged his 18-year-old daughter, I was slightly discomforted watching it. It is his prerogative and I respect his choice of discipline, but I have not and will not do that to my children who are of that age. I scold or sit and reason with them when they err. I scarcely used cane on my children because I suffered more emotional pains than the physical pain they suffered. When I did, it was, in very extreme cases, to help put an end to potentially destructive tendencies or repeated wrongdoings. In the latter cases, they came to apologise after they finished crying. In all cases, it was used in conjunction with advice, mentoring, scolding, close marking and prayers. And use of cane only took place before age 14. Essentially, from age 14 (sometimes before then), you can sit down together and discuss issues and arrive at some common grounds. Any parents whose main tool of discipline is the use of a cane probably has poor parenting skills.
I used to draw a line between using the cane to discipline children out of love and using the cane cruelly. But I have had a rethink. The kind of cruelty that has been meted out to children recently by parents and guardians has changed my perception. Many parents cannot draw the line between lovingly disciplining children and outright cruelty. Some parents visit their failures and frustrations in their work places, businesses and marriages on the children. My recent aversion to the use of the cane might also be because I am growing softer as I grow older. In the 70s, I was my mother’s butcher of chickens, but I cannot bring myself to slaughtering chickens anymore (but I dey chop am o!).
Many parents with strong character and high moral standing bring up their children well without frequent use of the cane. There are also children, who were never flogged (there were occasional quarantines, slaps and spanking of their bums with hands, though), who have turned out to be responsible adults. There are also children, who were flogged on a daily basis, who have turned out badly. Some became hardened criminals. The use of cane is not necessarily the solution in whipping children into line, although it can sometimes come handy, (its presence in the house alone without being used can make some children, who fear spanking, to behave themselves). Even when you discipline, you should have built a parent-child relationship over time that the child will understand that you love him/her in spite of the disciplinary measures. It is the bad behaviour that you hate. Parents should hone their parenting skills and stop taking refuge in the use of cane.
Every child has a distinct personality. Some are stubborn and parents really need to stand their ground and be very firm in dealing with them. Others are pliable and will run along with a little bit of correction. There are some who do not fear the cane. You remember that little school girl in Sapele, Delta State, who said her teachers will flog and flog until they get tired. So what do you do to such a child, flog her to death? Parents are leaders; sometimes, you need to reason with your children until they buy into your line of thought and own it. They do not do this because you are the parent, they do it because they believe it is the right thing to do.
Today’s parents have some odds stacked against them. In those days, raising of children was communal. Parents watched one another’s back. A neighbour could even discipline another neighbour’s child who strayed. Now, life is very plastic, especially in urban centres. Sometimes neighbours scarcely see themselves, not to talk of helping in parenting neighbour’s children. We also have the challenge of the new media. In those days, parents found it easier to shield their children from negative external influences. But these days, even if you lock up your children at home, the rest of the world can influence them via television and the new media. Parents’ time has also become less flexible.
But it is not all gloom. Today’s parents have many things going for them. Many of us had illiterate parents, who could not read to enhance their parenting skills. But now many of us are not only literate, we have an avalanche of literature, which is widely and readily available for us to hone our parenting skills. Also, since many parents were illiterate then, they could not read the bible, one of the most potent tools for parenting. But now, many of us are literate and the bible is now widely available for our use.
Parents also need to get into their children’s world so that you can share it with them. You must be friends with your children. Parents-children relationships in those days were mainly vertical. Today’s parents should build horizontal relationships. It does not diminish your role as a parent. Helping your children find and live their passions also helps in making parenting easy. The children simply concentrate on their passions, which helps to keep them focussed.
Now my conclusion of the matter; while I feel parents should deploy all weapons in their arsenal to win the increasingly-difficult war of bringing up their children properly, the cane is like a nuclear weapon which should not be used anyhow; the cane is like that big masquerade that is seen only once in 100 years. It should never be a daily or regular disciplinary tool. We also know certainly that the bible did not say, “Take the cane/rod and kill/maim the child.”