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By Micheal West
A 32-year-old woman met me few days ago over what she considered a mountainous issue that is keeping her perpetually single. The problem is that most of her suitors are much older than her.
According to her, the least of them is a 45 year-old single dad while the oldest will be 57 next December. Her problem is not about the men being single dads but the age disparity.
In her opinion, she would be the odd person among her peers to marry someone old enough to be her father if she eventually settle for a 52-year-old engineer and father of three; he’s divorced. The engineer, according to her, is the man of her dream but the issue of the age is holding her back from consummating the relationship. She decided to seek counsel before he slips away into another woman’s arms.
A mother of two in Kaduna called last month to express her frustration over a similar dilemma. Her mom disapproved her choice of a man because of age disparity. While the woman is 36, her fiancé is 55. Her mom, who vehemently opposed the marital proposal is 61.
Meanwhile, the younger guys this woman had dated before now were just not interested in marriage. According to her, after several months of fun-filled affair, they will dump her on flimsy excuses or no excuses at all. In the process, she had two children for two men in the course of hooking a young man of her dream. In summary, the man who has already accepted her children and providing for her needs including her mom’s is the same man her mom wouldn’t want to accept. Meanwhile, no other man has proposed marriage to her ever since except this man she called “my God-sent helper.”
A 40-year-old banker in Lagos tearfully explained her inability to accept the reality of life over her fantasy. In her words, she had dreamt of marrying at age 28 and by age 38 she would have had enough children. Here she is now without a husband at 40 simply because she is waiting for a man that would “Wow!” her friends. The problem is her refusal to face the reality of going for a good, mature and responsible man, many of who she said had crossed her path over the years. As at today, most of her suitors are in their late 50s and mid 60s which she considered too odd and old for herself.
I have several instances to cite in this matter of age disparity. While I still prefer a young woman marrying an equally young man with age disparities of two to eight years, I won’t likewise dismiss the possibility of considering an older man when the reality dawns. The truth is that the problems women have with older men are merely psychological. Most of them also run their affairs to please their peers and the society rather than being concerned with having blissful and settled homes. The fear they have about marrying older men are mostly based on three reasons:
• It is commonly assumed that older men would die sooner, thereby leading them into widowhood at the prime of their motherhood. The reality, however, proofs this to be wrong. Human life is in the hands of God. Here in our society we have witnessed, even among our political leaders and captains of industry whose wives, much younger in age, had passed away leaving their septuagenarian husbands as widowers.
• It is believed that the sexual ability of older men are weaker. While this is naturally true, many men are as agile, skillful and sexually strong even more than some young men. With health supplements and certified herbal products in the market, many aging men do have budgets for their well-being including exercises, diets and physiotherapy treatments.
• In most cases, such men do have grown up children and possibly their ex-wives are still alive. The fear of being ostracized, witch-hunted, and harmed appear to be of serious concern.
Fear of raising a polygamous family in the process is a real danger they dread. From what I know too well, these fears are mere psychological. A man marrying a much younger woman in his 50s must have put his life in order. He would ensure a hitch-free, fun-filled and peaceful atmosphere for his new family. Grown up children are already out there fending for themselves and thinking of starting their own family life. Yes, there might be a few instances where some of these fears are real but in most cases, they are not.
In conclusion, men mature with age. Most responsible men in their late 40s, 50s and above rarely fight. They are calmer, experienced, trustworthy and homely than younger men.
Their level of philandering is effectively curtailed as they would conserve their energy to satisfying their women at home. Most of the broken marriages are the ones involving age mates (two to 12 years of age disparity). It is rare to hear of couples with 15 to 25 years of age gaps going to court for divorce. Most of their wives’ excesses would be seen as an expression of youthful or feminine exuberance. More often than not, the man do overlook behaviours or utterances that a younger man would respond to with hot slaps.
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