By Francis Ewherido
Today’s topic is a corollary of last week’s. In a marriage, expect change from only one spouse and that spouse is you. That is because you can only change yourself; you cannot change your spouse. Imagine how difficult it is for you to change your habits, you can then imagine how more difficult it would be to make your spouse to change his/hers. It is outside your control. The second issue is that you do not shift the goal post after the match has started.
Before marriage, you must study your spouse thoroughly: the good, the bad and the ugly and take a decision whether or not you can tolerate the bad and the ugly for the rest of your life. Knowing your spouse’s bad and ugly side before marriage and going ahead with the marriage, hoping he/she will change after marriage is stupid; you are not being fair to him/her or yourself. As many have found out, some spouses actually grow worse as they grow older instead of becoming better.
Those people, who believe in marriage first and then changing their spouses thereafter, must either be naïve or have faith that moves mountains. They can go and marry the devil and let their faith and prayers turn him/her to an angel. I do not need that type of faith. Little things like sleeping and waking up, walking from the sitting room to the bedroom without an accident, make me monumentally grateful to God. These are my great miracles. I do not need the miracle of marrying a devil with my korokoro eyes today and hoping he/she becomes an angel tomorrow.
I do not need the miracle of going to bed at night and waking up in the morning to behold a brand new Rolls Royce, which I did not place an order for, in my garage in order to know that God is awesome. I also thank God for giving me the knowledge to discern danger and flee from it. I am not interested in overcoming danger if it is avoidable. That is my attitude to choosing a spouse. Anybody going into marriage always has little anxieties, but when the fears and doubts are of fundamental nature, you need to apply the brakes and clear your head. But if you choose to continue and pray yourself out of trouble, make sure you do just that; no retreat, no surrender.
The third reason why you should not expect your spouse to change is that some things just do not change. A cliché that captures it says, “Old habits die hard.” Remember character is a combination of habits and habits are things that you do repeatedly over time, they become part of you and who you are. I know somebody will quote for me, “With God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26). Yes, but balance it with Rev. 3:20. God does not force Himself on us. He allows us to exercise our freedom of choice. I have seen very spiritual and religious people, yet their selfishness, which extends to spouses, stinks to high heavens. I have seen very nice people, even clergy, who cannot tolerate anybody who seems to outshine them.
I have seen people, who, when calm, are like angels, but are uncontrollable and bestial when they are angry. I have seen very nice people whose mouths leak like baskets with other people’s secrets and information.
I have seen very meek people, who become wolves once money is involved. I have seen very nice people who have gotten so used to telling lies; they do not even know when they are lying anymore. I have seen manipulative spouses who have become even more manipulative over time. I have seen possessive spouses, who instead of slowing down, as the marriage got older, got more possessive. For some spouses, it has always been it must be my way or no way.
Over time some of these spouses have become “born again,” very spiritual, godly, religious, etc., but these terrible habits have stubbornly refused to go away, because they are what they are, habits. And some people are not even aware of them, they are not conscious of these traits anymore.
So, how do you solve a problem you do not know exists? And these people are married and these habits are not selective; spouses are also, if not mainly, at the receiving end. So while they have generally become better persons and spouses, these rankling habits are stubbornly present and not about to go away. In fact, sometimes, they grow in stature as times go on.
I found out that some spouses, who changed, either for the better or worse, did so because their other halves also did. The story was told of a man who was very nasty to his wife. The nastier, he got, the more caring the wife became until he could not take it anymore. One day he asked the wife he wanted to see her pastor and he has since become a very committed Christian, husband and father. We have also heard about the man, who lost his job and took to drinking. He also started beating the wife. One day, the usually gentle wife snapped and killed him.
But they say change is constant, so you can expect some changes in your spouse. For instance, if you stay together long enough, he/she will change and become older. The longer you stay together the older he/she becomes. Yes, your figure-8 wife might change as she gives birth or grows older and pile on the weight. Your husband might also pile on weight and grow pot belly as he grows older if he does not make conscious efforts to watch his weight. You can expect these changes.
But as for the change we talked about earlier. This is my final take: when you get married, whatever your spouse is at the start of your marital life is like your salary; that is your entitlement. If at year end (over time), your boss (spouse) is happy with the company (marriage) performance and decides to give you bonus (change); that is a gift not a right or entitlement. Your right remains your salary. So, if you are not satisfied with the salary ab intio, do not take the job (marry your spouse). In spite of the saying that change is constant, always remember that some things just do not change… for the better.